@FatherWithTwins

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@FatherWithTwins

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

@FatherWithTwins

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

@FatherWithTwins

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

@FatherWithTwins

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

@FatherWithTwins

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

@FatherWithTwins

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

@FatherWithTwins

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious