@FrazzleMyGimp ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
@FrazzleMyGimp @FrazzleMyGimp Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
@FrazzleMyGimp [Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
@FrazzleMyGimp WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
@FrazzleMyGimp [before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
@FrazzleMyGimp [family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
@FrazzleMyGimp ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
@FrazzleMyGimp [after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
@FrazzleMyGimp [hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
@FrazzleMyGimp [straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]