Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it