@HenpeckedHal

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

@HenpeckedHal

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

@HenpeckedHal

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

@HenpeckedHal

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

@HenpeckedHal

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

@HenpeckedHal

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

@HenpeckedHal

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

@HenpeckedHal

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

@HenpeckedHal

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

@HenpeckedHal

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it