*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?