My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’