@Jandalize

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

@Jandalize

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@Jandalize

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

@Jandalize

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

@Jandalize

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

@Jandalize

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

@Jandalize

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

@Jandalize

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

@Jandalize

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

@Jandalize

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’