Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
So what’s a personal strength?
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*inflates emergency mustache*
Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?
“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?