@Laser_Cat

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

@Laser_Cat

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

@Laser_Cat

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

@Laser_Cat

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

@Laser_Cat

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

@Laser_Cat

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

@Laser_Cat

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

@Laser_Cat

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

@Laser_Cat

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

@Laser_Cat

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?