Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???