I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: One TINY Google.