30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
incredible
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
me hitting on a model
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
honestly, i need both:
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?