I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
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I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.