@MommaUnfiltered

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

@MommaUnfiltered

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

@MommaUnfiltered

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

@MommaUnfiltered

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@MommaUnfiltered

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

@MommaUnfiltered

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

@MommaUnfiltered

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

@MommaUnfiltered

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

@MommaUnfiltered

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.