My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.