I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.