Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.


Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.


Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.


Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.


Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.