So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.