“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.