There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.