@RickAaron

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

@RickAaron

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

@RickAaron

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

@RickAaron

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

@RickAaron

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

@RickAaron

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

@RickAaron

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

@RickAaron

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

@RickAaron

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

@RickAaron

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.