Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?