I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William