@Social_Mime

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

@Social_Mime

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

@Social_Mime

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

@Social_Mime

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

@Social_Mime

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

@Social_Mime

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

@Social_Mime

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

@Social_Mime

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

@Social_Mime

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

@Social_Mime

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*