I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.