POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.