Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine