Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
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My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
(Musicians.)
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*