@a_simpl_man

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

@a_simpl_man

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

@a_simpl_man

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

@a_simpl_man

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

@a_simpl_man

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

@a_simpl_man

The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.

@a_simpl_man

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

@a_simpl_man

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

@a_simpl_man

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.