Wednesday
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
i spent way too long on this