Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.