My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do