@blade_funner

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

@blade_funner

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

@blade_funner

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

@blade_funner

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

@blade_funner

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@blade_funner

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

@blade_funner

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.