Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.