
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.