Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.