[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp