Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“what that mouth do?” complain
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.