Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.