I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.