[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.