Watson was Holmes schooled
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree