“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker