@donni

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

@donni

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

@donni

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

@donni

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

@donni

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

@donni

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

@donni

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

@donni

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

@donni

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

@donni

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!