ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!