@dorsalstream

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

@dorsalstream

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@dorsalstream

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

@dorsalstream

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@dorsalstream

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

@dorsalstream

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

@dorsalstream

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

@dorsalstream

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

@dorsalstream

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”