@felixoshea

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

@felixoshea

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

@felixoshea

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@felixoshea

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@felixoshea

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

@felixoshea

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

@felixoshea

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

@felixoshea

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

@felixoshea

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

@felixoshea

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.