Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.