@geowizzacist What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
@geowizzacist @geowizzacist Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
@geowizzacist (Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
@geowizzacist (3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
@geowizzacist Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
@geowizzacist Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
@geowizzacist My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
@geowizzacist I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
@geowizzacist I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
@geowizzacist *finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*