Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Ah yes. The three genders
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir