Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!