Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I can’t wait!
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.