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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL