@justinmatic5000

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

@justinmatic5000

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

@justinmatic5000

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

@justinmatic5000

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

@justinmatic5000

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

@justinmatic5000

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.