Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.