My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling