I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.