I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too