Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
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In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”